The absence of conflict isn't always an indicator that a friendship is healthy, sometimes it's the very lack of it and the inability to solve issues together that makes the friendship fragile.
Wow, this hits home in a lot of ways! I lost a friendship that took years to build and it ended as if it meant nothing. And it was our first conflict we had in years because it was pretty much an activity-based relationship. It was only in losing it I realised it for what it was. We didn't know each other, we just knew each other's lives.
And I think it's things like this that can put a strain in our romantic partnerships. I think we project and dump some of the real expectations we have on our friendships onto our partners, and why I think it's why we desperately seek romantic partnerships in the first place. We don't know what an intimate friendship looks like, but we take a lot of time thinking and discussing what a good partner is like, what we expect in those relationships etc...
We definitely need to actively participate in our friendships in the same way we do our other relationships, instead of spaces for us to rant about our other relationships.
Thank you for talking about this in the way you did 🩷
Thank you for sharing, Vimbai. Sad to hear about your friendship ending. What you say about projecting our expectations is so true. What we lack in friendship we try to find elsewhere. Most times from those the closest to us.
I’ve pretty much given up on finding meaningful female friendships.
Too often, they seem to turn into cliques with unspoken social rules, where stepping outside the group’s perspective—especially with logic—feels like a risk. It often seems less about genuine connection and more about one-sided validation.
I’d rather spend time on my own than feel pressured to conform to keep the peace.
Hey Emma! Sorry to hear that it’s been so difficult. I relate to not fitting into a clique. It’s not for everybody. It’s a high praised way of being friends with women that I don’t think we all need to partake in. I love one to one friendships the most.
What a great analysis into the nuances of friendships. I agree with you when you say it's easier to argue with your partner than a friend. I think my fear of that stems from people pleasing and being conflict avoidant. I know that arguing with my partner can be productive and healthy, it should be the same with my friends. I've recently been confronting my friends if something they've said or done has made me uncomfortable. And our relationship has matured because of it!
I'm currently going through a friendship crisis and seeing your post felt like God-sent.
I just finished reading and I love that you touched many areas, Matunda.
Just like you wrote, I also concluded that "We would have more meaningful friendships if the obligations and expectations we have of each other were clear."
I came to understand that even in friendship, certain things have to be stated out, boundaries have to be set too and conflicts have to be talked about- address the elephant in the room.
I'm definitely going to come back to this post.
Thank you for putting your best in this piece. xoxo
Indeed! Glad to hear you found this when you needed it the most. It puts a smile on my face. This is as much a reminder to myself. I send you strength to help you navigate through this frienship crisis you are in. xoxo
This is such an incredible piece & so timely for the stage of life I’m in — I find myself reevaluating a lot of my friendships recently. I love the parts where you mention how the absence of conflict doesn’t necessarily equate to healthy friendships & how many of our friendships occur at random, which causes us to sometimes not nurture them. I feel like those two points go hand in hand, because the older I get, the more I realize that conflict = care i.e. because I care about you and my relationship to you, I’m bringing up something that bothers me deeply
first i want to applaud you for how you wrote this from a personal point of view. And not throwing words like “you” “your” like other writers trying to deflect things to the reader or teach things they don’t know. when they have a better opportunity to use “my” “me” “i”.
i’m curious about this part tho;
“….but I have also left a world of religiosity and sometimes I struggle to maintain friendships in that world, because we have conflicting core values…”
Ah thank you for noticing I am writing to learn too. I don’t think I’m in any position to teach someone anything. I am still a student in life and will forever be a student.
The part about religion is about me leaving people behind who due to their religiosity have homophobic and hateful views of those outside their circles. I don’t believe in organised religion anymore, especially the cult like mentality of thinking “us against them”. This is from a long story that I perhaps could write more about in a later note.
> And not throwing words like “you” “your” like other writers trying to deflect things to the reader or teach things they don’t know. when they have a better opportunity to use “my” “me” “i”.
I never thought about it like that before! I often use “figurative ‘you’” because it sometimes feels easier to explain thoughts that way. But I now see how that can be deflecting, thanks for sharing this.
damnn! i’ve been saying this thing online for God knows how long. And finally, you’re the first to give me feedback. I swore i thought i was crazy for thinking that way. But i personally skip deflected posts. i love me a writer who looks inward.
Saved to read tomorrow! I was a Christian too for most of my life though I’ve had an ambivalent relationship to organised religion my entire life. My father was a pastor and very controlling. Let’s just say he made things worse in many instances. This subject is very intertwined with my traumatic upbringing.
Ah this piece cannot come in a more perfect timing! I am in a conflict with a friend and even almost at the edge of a friendship breakup. This friendship is part of a inner circle I have and I’ve been struggling to put into words why I disagree with how my other friends in the circle are handling this. And this piece said it! Everyone is avoiding this person rather than talking with them. Yes! I totally agree that friendships actually lack confrontations and arguments. I also think it’s unfair to the other person if we just ghost them, we say “I love you” to each other and yet we don’t try to fight for each other? I fear we have been too comfortable these days.
Hey! I hope this inspires you to have the chat with your friend, however uncomfortable it might be. You’d be doing them and yourself a disservice if you don’t. Like you say, it is not fair on them not knowing how you feel. Good luck and thanks for letting me know this post has helped see something. 🥰
Very interesting! I can feel the emotional evolution and maturity through the words. I'll have to come back to it to remind myself of some of the wisdom that you share. Like you said, there's so much more to be said but this is a really good start.
I'm glad I'm finally able to subscribe and read your work!
I’m thinking about printing this one 🤔. This is such a thorough and personable analysis that can serve as a dialogue guide among friends or just with community.
I completely agree that most people do want genuine connection, but because capitalism and society push the agenda of individualism, many of us just don’t know where to begin with that. Were have plenty of guidance material on how to be for self, but not on how to be a good friend and community member.
But if more of us engage in this level of transparency, we’ll get there.
Hey there! Wow, the way my heart smiled at this. Thank you so much. I am so glad my vulnerability is encouraging people to look at friendships. Print away and thank you for telling me. I hope you have a wonderful day. ❤️
I am so glad that I finally got the chance to sit down and read this letter.
There are indeed so many layers to this. I don't know if we will ever finish them. But you really did so much justice to the topic.
Definitely saving this to come back to and think more on some things. Like the question you ask at the end. It's a question I would love to give more thought and reflection.
Indeed, we can talk about this in so many ways and still not cover the topic fully. I am glad you thought I made a good attempt. I am going to reflect on that question too. I think it can help us make more intentional friendships with mutual commitments and responsibility. Thank you, Katz <3
Through my transformation and healing I’ve been keenly observing relational practices, and friendships have been the most fruitful with so many angles. I’ve come to realize some of us who have done the work and are craving deeper connections may have to retreat in that desire because we have transcended out of societal norms. Just like you described, some friendships are merely an illusion. An illusion to not be ostracized and play by societal rules. If you run astray out of that norm, you are deemed as a defect, and like me may become perpetual friendless just for having values, expectations and self worth. I feel for the people who have to live under this disguise to merely survive and not thrive in relationships. These people are slowly withering away by their self imposed loveliness and unrequited love. An unfortunate crisis that has been echoed from too many lips who are tired wearing the mask. May we not subject ourselves to such a slow death but retreat inwards to flourish in communities that lift us in full totality. You are an amazing writer ✨❤️
“I’ve come to realize some of us who have done the work and are craving deeper connections may have to retreat in that desire because we have transcended out of societal norms.” Exactly this. 🥹👏🏾 Thank you so much for adding value to this conversation with this comment.
I love how this piece frames conflict as something that’s important in any relationship - it’s too often dismissed as something that’s inherently bad and needs to be overcome!
This was so well written and articulated. Thank you for taking the time to pen this Matunda. Maintaining healthy and sustainable friendships do take concerted work, and reciprocity is so essential.
Thank you for sharing this sound and relevant piece of your heart. 🙏🏾♥️
I had in the original text, I dont know how or why that didn't make the final edit. I will put the credit in the text. Just update the page and you'll see it under the picture.
This is such an interesting topic! My very first thought when it comes to friendship and conflict is back when I was about 9 (or so) years old. I remember that for the first time in my very young life, I finally had my healthiest friendship — yet— with a girl that I was lucky enough to call my best friend. All was going well, until one morning at school, she confessed to me that her mom had told her that “good friendships require conflict” and something along the the lines of “friends should fight every now and then…” I remember that after that, our fights started to become more frequent. And I even mentioned it to her. We’re not friends anymore cause many things happened in between, but it’s one of my earliest memories I have regarding this topic, and I always find it interesting because even now, almost 20 years later, I still don’t have a clear answer. Surely, conflict sometimes can be helpful even, however, I’m sure there are other ways to resolve issues in friendships.
I am not writing about conflict for the sake of conflict, but the conflicts we avoid because we are too scared to speak our truth. Too much of anything is never good. Sad to hear your friendship ended.
Wow, this hits home in a lot of ways! I lost a friendship that took years to build and it ended as if it meant nothing. And it was our first conflict we had in years because it was pretty much an activity-based relationship. It was only in losing it I realised it for what it was. We didn't know each other, we just knew each other's lives.
And I think it's things like this that can put a strain in our romantic partnerships. I think we project and dump some of the real expectations we have on our friendships onto our partners, and why I think it's why we desperately seek romantic partnerships in the first place. We don't know what an intimate friendship looks like, but we take a lot of time thinking and discussing what a good partner is like, what we expect in those relationships etc...
We definitely need to actively participate in our friendships in the same way we do our other relationships, instead of spaces for us to rant about our other relationships.
Thank you for talking about this in the way you did 🩷
Thank you for sharing, Vimbai. Sad to hear about your friendship ending. What you say about projecting our expectations is so true. What we lack in friendship we try to find elsewhere. Most times from those the closest to us.
I’ve pretty much given up on finding meaningful female friendships.
Too often, they seem to turn into cliques with unspoken social rules, where stepping outside the group’s perspective—especially with logic—feels like a risk. It often seems less about genuine connection and more about one-sided validation.
I’d rather spend time on my own than feel pressured to conform to keep the peace.
Hey Emma! Sorry to hear that it’s been so difficult. I relate to not fitting into a clique. It’s not for everybody. It’s a high praised way of being friends with women that I don’t think we all need to partake in. I love one to one friendships the most.
Yes! One on one is the way to go
What a great analysis into the nuances of friendships. I agree with you when you say it's easier to argue with your partner than a friend. I think my fear of that stems from people pleasing and being conflict avoidant. I know that arguing with my partner can be productive and healthy, it should be the same with my friends. I've recently been confronting my friends if something they've said or done has made me uncomfortable. And our relationship has matured because of it!
Love to hear it! We don’t get any deeper in our connections by avoiding to deal with the hardships. So glad you are daring to, Cha. 🌹
I'm currently going through a friendship crisis and seeing your post felt like God-sent.
I just finished reading and I love that you touched many areas, Matunda.
Just like you wrote, I also concluded that "We would have more meaningful friendships if the obligations and expectations we have of each other were clear."
I came to understand that even in friendship, certain things have to be stated out, boundaries have to be set too and conflicts have to be talked about- address the elephant in the room.
I'm definitely going to come back to this post.
Thank you for putting your best in this piece. xoxo
Hey, Blessing.
Indeed! Glad to hear you found this when you needed it the most. It puts a smile on my face. This is as much a reminder to myself. I send you strength to help you navigate through this frienship crisis you are in. xoxo
This is such an incredible piece & so timely for the stage of life I’m in — I find myself reevaluating a lot of my friendships recently. I love the parts where you mention how the absence of conflict doesn’t necessarily equate to healthy friendships & how many of our friendships occur at random, which causes us to sometimes not nurture them. I feel like those two points go hand in hand, because the older I get, the more I realize that conflict = care i.e. because I care about you and my relationship to you, I’m bringing up something that bothers me deeply
Yes exactly. We fight for what we believe in and care about. I hope the prossess you are in is gentle towards you. I’m glad this resonates ❤️
first i want to applaud you for how you wrote this from a personal point of view. And not throwing words like “you” “your” like other writers trying to deflect things to the reader or teach things they don’t know. when they have a better opportunity to use “my” “me” “i”.
i’m curious about this part tho;
“….but I have also left a world of religiosity and sometimes I struggle to maintain friendships in that world, because we have conflicting core values…”
do you mind sharing what that line means?
Hey Tobi!
Ah thank you for noticing I am writing to learn too. I don’t think I’m in any position to teach someone anything. I am still a student in life and will forever be a student.
The part about religion is about me leaving people behind who due to their religiosity have homophobic and hateful views of those outside their circles. I don’t believe in organised religion anymore, especially the cult like mentality of thinking “us against them”. This is from a long story that I perhaps could write more about in a later note.
i’d love to read about that. Please write it. i’m curious.
did you come across anyone by Ashley this past week?
> And not throwing words like “you” “your” like other writers trying to deflect things to the reader or teach things they don’t know. when they have a better opportunity to use “my” “me” “i”.
I never thought about it like that before! I often use “figurative ‘you’” because it sometimes feels easier to explain thoughts that way. But I now see how that can be deflecting, thanks for sharing this.
damnn! i’ve been saying this thing online for God knows how long. And finally, you’re the first to give me feedback. I swore i thought i was crazy for thinking that way. But i personally skip deflected posts. i love me a writer who looks inward.
save that “you” bs in the bank.
thanks for seeing me. Bea.
On my writing list as of now! I don’t know? Send me!
sent. i’m also slowly doing away with organized religion. Or even religion in general. Long story but just like ashley, i’m a PK.
Saved to read tomorrow! I was a Christian too for most of my life though I’ve had an ambivalent relationship to organised religion my entire life. My father was a pastor and very controlling. Let’s just say he made things worse in many instances. This subject is very intertwined with my traumatic upbringing.
now, i see why we align. i knew there was something about you soon as i started to read your stuff.
feels like we lived same lives.
That’s perhaps the most magical thing about this place. Thanks for being here, Tobi. 🌹
https://open.substack.com/pub/ashvaughn/p/why-im-no-longer-a-christian?r=50pcp&utm_medium=ios
Ah this piece cannot come in a more perfect timing! I am in a conflict with a friend and even almost at the edge of a friendship breakup. This friendship is part of a inner circle I have and I’ve been struggling to put into words why I disagree with how my other friends in the circle are handling this. And this piece said it! Everyone is avoiding this person rather than talking with them. Yes! I totally agree that friendships actually lack confrontations and arguments. I also think it’s unfair to the other person if we just ghost them, we say “I love you” to each other and yet we don’t try to fight for each other? I fear we have been too comfortable these days.
Hey! I hope this inspires you to have the chat with your friend, however uncomfortable it might be. You’d be doing them and yourself a disservice if you don’t. Like you say, it is not fair on them not knowing how you feel. Good luck and thanks for letting me know this post has helped see something. 🥰
Very interesting! I can feel the emotional evolution and maturity through the words. I'll have to come back to it to remind myself of some of the wisdom that you share. Like you said, there's so much more to be said but this is a really good start.
I'm glad I'm finally able to subscribe and read your work!
Thank you, A. This means a lot. I too will be revisit thing post in times to come. ❤️
oh nice, Angele is here. I’m defo in good company.
Aww! I feel embraced by the both of you. Thank you 🌹🥰
I’m thinking about printing this one 🤔. This is such a thorough and personable analysis that can serve as a dialogue guide among friends or just with community.
I completely agree that most people do want genuine connection, but because capitalism and society push the agenda of individualism, many of us just don’t know where to begin with that. Were have plenty of guidance material on how to be for self, but not on how to be a good friend and community member.
But if more of us engage in this level of transparency, we’ll get there.
Thank you for this 🫶🏽🖊️
Hey there! Wow, the way my heart smiled at this. Thank you so much. I am so glad my vulnerability is encouraging people to look at friendships. Print away and thank you for telling me. I hope you have a wonderful day. ❤️
I am so glad that I finally got the chance to sit down and read this letter.
There are indeed so many layers to this. I don't know if we will ever finish them. But you really did so much justice to the topic.
Definitely saving this to come back to and think more on some things. Like the question you ask at the end. It's a question I would love to give more thought and reflection.
Thank you Matunda 🤎
Indeed, we can talk about this in so many ways and still not cover the topic fully. I am glad you thought I made a good attempt. I am going to reflect on that question too. I think it can help us make more intentional friendships with mutual commitments and responsibility. Thank you, Katz <3
yh that question feels like one i need challenge myself to answer.
Through my transformation and healing I’ve been keenly observing relational practices, and friendships have been the most fruitful with so many angles. I’ve come to realize some of us who have done the work and are craving deeper connections may have to retreat in that desire because we have transcended out of societal norms. Just like you described, some friendships are merely an illusion. An illusion to not be ostracized and play by societal rules. If you run astray out of that norm, you are deemed as a defect, and like me may become perpetual friendless just for having values, expectations and self worth. I feel for the people who have to live under this disguise to merely survive and not thrive in relationships. These people are slowly withering away by their self imposed loveliness and unrequited love. An unfortunate crisis that has been echoed from too many lips who are tired wearing the mask. May we not subject ourselves to such a slow death but retreat inwards to flourish in communities that lift us in full totality. You are an amazing writer ✨❤️
“I’ve come to realize some of us who have done the work and are craving deeper connections may have to retreat in that desire because we have transcended out of societal norms.” Exactly this. 🥹👏🏾 Thank you so much for adding value to this conversation with this comment.
I love how this piece frames conflict as something that’s important in any relationship - it’s too often dismissed as something that’s inherently bad and needs to be overcome!
Yes, I notice that people, myself included are reluctant to argue with our friends. We avoid them instead.
Loved reading this
This was so well written and articulated. Thank you for taking the time to pen this Matunda. Maintaining healthy and sustainable friendships do take concerted work, and reciprocity is so essential.
Thank you for sharing this sound and relevant piece of your heart. 🙏🏾♥️
Hi! Do you mind sharing the artist of the painting?
I had in the original text, I dont know how or why that didn't make the final edit. I will put the credit in the text. Just update the page and you'll see it under the picture.
Matunda
This is such an interesting topic! My very first thought when it comes to friendship and conflict is back when I was about 9 (or so) years old. I remember that for the first time in my very young life, I finally had my healthiest friendship — yet— with a girl that I was lucky enough to call my best friend. All was going well, until one morning at school, she confessed to me that her mom had told her that “good friendships require conflict” and something along the the lines of “friends should fight every now and then…” I remember that after that, our fights started to become more frequent. And I even mentioned it to her. We’re not friends anymore cause many things happened in between, but it’s one of my earliest memories I have regarding this topic, and I always find it interesting because even now, almost 20 years later, I still don’t have a clear answer. Surely, conflict sometimes can be helpful even, however, I’m sure there are other ways to resolve issues in friendships.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this 🤔
Hey,
I am not writing about conflict for the sake of conflict, but the conflicts we avoid because we are too scared to speak our truth. Too much of anything is never good. Sad to hear your friendship ended.
Best, M.